Marital Action Plan

A Marital Action Plan (MAP) is really just goals. You evaluate yourself and your dating status and set goals that you can work on in the coming months to improve your relationships with others and become better prepared for marriage. I am single and have worked hard to become a better person and someday a better significant other. I have been in relationships before and have seen my weaknesses of being emotionally closed off and passive in past relationships. I have set goals for the next 12 months so that I can become spiritually, emotionally, and romantically mature which will help me come closer to finding a marriage partner.

I am going to put in the effort to be social, meet new people, and remember names. I am going to move soon and I would like to keep this a part of my life no matter where I lives I can continue to make incredible friends.
I am going to make my school work a higher priority. Sometimes I sacrifice schoolwork to be social, which is important, but I think it causes more stress and imbalance in my life. I want to be responsible in my studies so that I can be all in when I am being social.
I will prioritize my personal study of the gospel. This is something I am looking for in a spouse and could be better at. I also think this will help me follow spiritual promptings in my life.
I am going to strive to get 8 hours of sleep every night. You may wonder how this relates to dating, but you can't thrive in a relationship until you can thrive on your own. I also think this will help me set boundaries/curfews in relationships.
I am going to strive to drink 9 cups of water a day. Again, I am trying to thrive on my own and this is something I struggle with a lot but I know will help me appreciate the gift God has given me of a body.
I am going to strive to vigorously exercise at least 5 days a week. This helps me be in a better mood and feel better about myself. If I don't feel good about my body or myself it is hard for me to share it with someone else in a marriage.
I am going to continue to search and develop things that I am passionate about. In a marriage, each person needs to be an individual, with goals and interests. I know I love volleyball, running, art, and dancing, so I am going to continue to pursue those things along with trying new things that interest me.
I am going to ACT ( get ones Attention, Compliment, and Touch) the people I am interested in. This is a hard one for me, I immediately assume the people I like have no interest in me but I really haven't showed my interest in them as well.
I am going to more conscious of the flirty behavior and try to better control it. Although I get reserved around people I like, I am very outgoing and friendly to most people. I break touch barriers, laugh at jokes, and compliment, which is why my friends think I am the biggest unintentional flirt in the world. I have started to recognize the behaviors that may send the wrong message to people and am going to try and think through what I say and do.
I have an avoidant attachment, so I am trying to grow into a secure base for someone else. I am going to be responsive by responding to texts as soon as possible and intentionally listen to people, even if this takes conversations to an uncomfortable place.
To go with the last point, I am going to be vulnerable with others and share my honest thoughts more. I tend to be closed off and hold my tongue too often. I need to be honest with myself and others.
I am going to start a gratitude journal and express gratitude more often. I think this will help me value others more and will bless my marriage someday.

Specific, True, and Positive

Communicating something specific, true, and positive helps relationships run more smoothly (Hill, 2023). We can also express specific, true, negative, and actionable things as complaints to better communicate and thrive in a relationship. 5:1 is the ratio we should have with positive things to complaints.

You can do anything when the person next to you is Jesus Christ (Hill, 2023). I wanted to put this thought with chastity because we may get frustrated or stuck in the way that we've acted in the past but change is possible.

Repentance and Recovery

Start to replace the time with things that are healthy. Therapeutically you can not stop cold turkey or you can expect to relapse (Hill, 2023).

You are worth every dime of therapy. Find a therapist who hears you and you connect with (Hill, 2023).

Pornography

Do not define yourself or someone else by that thing ( anorexics, porn addict, etc.) but describe your relationship with that thing. We can not be defined by what we experience (Hill, 2023).

There are different levels of porn but none of it is prosocial, it is all objectifying woman (Hill, 2023). Pornography is the most successful insult to our nature and relationships.

Pornography

People are using pornography to emotionally regulate. Other forms of unhealthy regulation is food, social media, substances, self harm, and excessive exercise. We need to have compassion for those who emotionally regulate in unhealthy ways (Hill, 2023).

In Christian culture it is common to associate all pornography use as an addiction. This is not true and can be harmful as people try to change. You know it is an addiction when you need to view more intense pornography and more frequently to have the same feelings as at the start and when you have withdrawals when you are not using it (Hill, 2023).

Chastity

Seek that which uplifts, inspires, and invites the spirit (2022). How do I feel when I am around this person? Uplifted or frustrated?

Anything that goes against my heart is wrong (Hill, 2023). It is easy to second guess, compare, and rationalize. An easier way to live and stay close to the Lord is to listen to the feelings of your heart.

Chastity

If they do not respect your boundaries you will not find happiness with them (Hill, 2023). It is important to communicate your hard, and soft, boundaries. If they are crossed there needs to be action taken.

You are responsible for your own thoughts (Hill, 2023). I think in the past there has been a lot of pressure put on women to control what men think, to be the sexual gatekeeper. Although we should support each other, we are each responsible for ourselves.

Chastity

It is not okay to not do something just because you are scared (Hill, 2023). You need to get uncomfortable in righteous ways.

Our children will grow up in the most sexual world known to man (Hill, 2023). It is important for us to understand and follow God's laws over sexual relations to guide and protect.

Chastity

When you are with someone and recognize sexual arousal, it is time to choose another activity (Hill, 2023). Saying "I'm getting a little too excited/turned on right now, we should stop." is a beautiful thing. If they are romantically mature they will not only respect your boundary but find this attractive.

Men know what arousal is from a very young age, they know what feels good because it is all external, this is a lot of responsibility and men should be honored for this. Woman however, have a harder time recognizing when they are aroused. Some signs of this would be: harder to swallow, physically hot, inner thigh trembles, nipples erect, and they begin to lubricate (Hill, 2023).

Chastity

Having sexual desire is a good thing. It is a form of self-expression and development into who we want to become. Healthy desire is not impulsivity or self indulgence. Learning to control your sexual arousal will be a blessing in the future (Hill, 2023).

There are four types of couples intimacy:

Emotional intimacy is connecting emotionally and being vulnerable. This is the foundation for any healthy relationship. they feel support and trust with one another. you feel like you belong and each person in open. A dear vulnerable friendship. Ex: talking, spending time together, sharing feelings and struggles. This should be getting deeper as time goes on.
affectionate intimacy is a care for one another. You can be affectionate with many people (boyfriend, mother, grandparents) through physical touch without sexual arousal. Ex: hand holdings, affectionate kissing.

~in between these two types would be the arousal threshold.~

Passionate intimacy communicates love and creates sexual desire and arousal. This type should almost exclusively be saved for marriage.

~in between these two types would be the orgasm threshold~

Orgasmic intimacy this involves any kind of physical touch that communicates love, commitment, and passion that initiates the orgasmic part of our souls. Ex for orgasm and passionate: passionate kissing, petting, lying together, sexual intercourse (Hill, 2023).

Pornography

Asking about pornography on the first few dates is asking if they are worth your time. Everyone is worth your time. The most important person is the person you are with (Hill, 2023).

As emotional closeness is built and you want to ask about pornography, it should be phrased," I want you to know that sometimes I...( share something vulnerable or a way that you emotionally regulate that you would like to get better at)"

"I feel like we're getting close and I want you to know I'm working on my relationship with..."(Hill, 2023). Explain what you are doing to have a healthier way to regulate.

What I am Going to do

My perspective has been changed on phonography. I want to show more compassion to those who struggle with pornography. Somethings that stuck out to me in the lecture is not asking people about their relationship with pornography until trust has been built, or else you are really just asking if this person is worth your time. In Tami Hills lecture she talked about speaking up when people misuse the words, "porn addict." I am going to stand up and speak up when I feel someone is saying something that is describing someone by a thing, and not their relationship with that thing. I already had an experience where i have gotten to use this principle. My sister went on a first date with someone and said," I already know this about him, shouldn't that be red flag enough?" I was able to say that everyone is worth your time.

I am going to analyze the ways I emotionally regulate and be honest and vulnerable about them. I think it is a powerful thing to be self aware and as I study how I emotionally regulate, I can see there is room for improvement. I have tried to start changing those behaviors, but I have also shared these struggles with those closest to me. I want to continue to share with those I build emotional closeness with so that they can be comfortable being emotionally open to me as well. I want to be able to be a secure base for others along with a confidant. On a date with a friend this past week we discussed media usage and I told him about my past relationship with media. In the past I had let it be the master and not the servant but I had recognized this and have started to change. This was an enlightening experience for us both.

Other Resources

Two of these are additional resources I found in my own study. The last one is a resource from Tammy Hills course that I never wanted to loose.

Blindspots

A while ago I was shown a devotional by John Bytheway (2003) titled, "Especially for Young Single Adults: Who When and Why We Marry." It was brought back to my mind as I re-watched it a portion on personal blind spots stuck out to me. Personal blind spots are things we do that prevent us from the things we want and we might not even know it. I decided to ask those closest to me what my personal blind spots were. I am grateful for those who love me enough to tell me about my blind spots. I highly recommend this exercise and devotional.

Attached

This is a book that was recommended to me written by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller ( 2010). In the last unit I discussed attachment styles and what I have been learning about them. This book discusses attachment styles in detail but also helps people consciously work toward becoming a secure attachment style. I have already stated this, but I am an avoidant attachment and can see so clearly how it effects my life and relationships. Reading and taking the quiz found in this book has helped me recognize this and created a desire to change. I have a lot to work on but this book has inspired me to take control of this shift towards healthy. I think the greatest thing I can do right now is sit with the uncomfortable. I am uncomfortable with closeness but instead I will sit with the uncomfortable because I know what I am working towards.

Stewarship

In my class reading, I went over a BYU devotional titled, "Some Things We Have Learned Together." It was an insightful and inspiring message but one thing that pierced my heart was stewardship. Elder Holland describe in powerful seriousness how couples know each other well enough to help them but also to hurt them. He talked about the seriousness of choosing to use the vulnerability of the other in malicious ways (Holland & Holland, 2013). I feel the truth of this in my soul, that if we violate the trust and "push buttons" of those closest to us on purpose, we will be held accountable some day.

References

Bytheway, J. (2015, April 13). Education week 2003 - John Bytheway - especially for

young single adults: Who when and why we marry. YouTube. Retrieved March 29, 2023, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0T56vjEQLgA

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. (2022, January 2). For the strength of

youth: A guide for making choices. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Retrieved March 29, 2023, from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/for-the-strength-of-youth?lang=eng

Hill, J. (2023, March). Family Finance. Provo; Brigham Young University.

Hill, T. (2023, March). Philosophy and application. Marriage Preparation.

Provo; Brigham Young University.

Holland, J. R., & Holland, P. T. (2013, August 13). Some things we have learned together |

Jeffrey R. and Patricia T. Holland. YouTube. Retrieved March 29, 2023, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktiiv144yS8&t=1672s